Clueless
by AnziPanzi
Summary: For a guy who knows things, Saracen Rue can be completely clueless. Vex/Rue


**Written for erskine_ravel on Twitter! Vex/Rue, I really hope it isn't OOC :/ This is my first Skulduggery fic, so please excuse any mistakes!**

**Enjoy!**

"Hey, how'd you work this thing?"

Saracen Rue glanced over at his friend, who was fiddling with a huge automatic rifle. "Don't shoot yourself."

"Thanks. You're so helpful." Dexter set down the rifle with a huff. He ran one hand through his blond hair and sighed, glaring out across the field they were standing beside. "Just show me how to use it."

"Why'd you assume _I_ know how to use it?"

"You '_know things_', right?"

"Yes. But that's not something I know."

"Great. So what you mean by 'I know things' is 'I know stupid and useless things that will never help anyone'."

"I remember saving your life a few times."

"Whatever."

Saracen laughed and watched the taller man frown down the barrel of the gun. "When's Skulduggery and Ghastly coming?"

"Dunno." Dexter muttered, throwing the gun away from himself in frustration. "Take it away from me before I shoot you."

"Oh, give it to me." The smaller man rolled his eyes, grabbing the gun and holding it up. "You hold it like _this_, see? You try now."

Pursing his lips, Dexter took the rifle again and held the focusing lens up to his eye. "Like this?"

"No. Did you even look at me when I showed you how to hold it?" Saracen stepped up beside the taller man and adjusted his grip on the gun. "No, put your fingers _here_."

"Better?"

"Much better." Satisfied, Saracen stepped back.

"Wait, what do I do with my left hand?"

"I literally just showed you!"

"Show me again."

When Skulduggery and Ghastly pulled up next to the field, the first thing Ghastly did was snort and glance at the skeleton beside him. "Dexter's doing it again."

"It's a wonder Saracen hasn't realised yet."

"For a smart guy, he's pretty dense."

They both watched as Dexter subtly leaned into Saracen as the shorter man corrected his grip on the gun and lectured him on the proper way to handle rifles.

"Unbelievable."

...

"Ow!"

"I told you to stay still!"

Dexter glared at Kenspeckle as the grouchy doctor shuffled away. Within a moment he was back, and handing Dexter a leaf to chew for the pain. "Thanks." He muttered, shoving the leaf into his mouth and chewing.

"One of your idiot friends is waiting outside for you."

Brightening up, Dexter smiled. "Oh! Can you let them in?"

Grumbling, Kenspeckle stalked over and opened the door. "Come in, but don't talk."

It wasn't _Erskine_ that Dexter had been expecting. "Oh. Hi."

Noting the disappointed look on his friend's face, Erskine raised an eyebrow. "Don't look too eager to see me."

"Sorry." Grinning sheepishly, Dexter shifted and winced slightly. "Ow."

"You okay?" Concerned, the golden-eyed man stepped forwards and eyed his friend's injury. "Ouch."

"Yeah. Vampires can be assholes."

"You probably shouldn't have insulted his mother."

"Pfff, he had it coming."

"Did he?" Arching an eyebrow, Erskine perched himself on the edge of the medical bed. "I heard him insult Saracen, and then I saw you launch yourself at him."

"Oh, shut up."

A laugh escaped Ravel's mouth, and he shrugged as he shoved his hands in his pockets. "I noticed that your flirting attempts haven't been very successful."

"I'm working on it."

"I think you could use some help."

"Nah, I'm fine."

"_Dexter Vex_." The tone brooked no argument. "You _will_ listen to my advice on flirting, or you will crash and burn."

"... _Fine_."

...

"Hey."

"There you are!" Saracen jumped to his feet and pointed at Dexter as he walked through the door.

"Yeah." He nodded his greetings at the other men in the room. Ghastly, Skulduggery, and Ravel were all sitting on the couch, while Saracen had been in the only armchair. Dexter turned back to Saracen. "Can I talk with you for a minute?"

As subtle as a gun, Ravel clapped his hands and leaped to his feet. "Let's go into the kitchen for a second, lads!"

"This is _my_ house, Erskine." Skulduggery pointed out, refusing to move from the couch.

"Fine. Let's go into _Skulduggery's_ kitchen."

Dexter barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes as Ravel all but shoved the others out of the room. Once they were alone, he turned back to Saracen and awkwardly shuffled closer to him.

The shorter man raised an eyebrow and grinned. "What's up?"

"Let's sit down." Vex gestured at the couch, and they both sat opposite each other.

What was the first thing Ravel had told Dexter to do...? _Smile_?

So he did, his lips stretching wide, teeth flashing.

Saracen did a double take and leaned away from his deranged looking friend. "... What are you doing?"

Dexter struggled to keep the smile on his face, "Smiling." He hissed through clenched teeth, edging closer to the shorter man.

"You look like you're in pain." Saracen murmured, eyes narrowing.

The smile slipped off Dexter's face, and he struggled to think of the next step. _Compliment_? Yeah, compliment Saracen!

His mind went blank of all worthy compliments. Desperate to say something, he opened his mouth and said the first thing that came to his head.

"I bet you have a huge penis-"

He clapped his hand over his mouth the second he realised what he had said. He stared at his surprised looking friend in horror.

"I have a huge _what_?!"

Dexter took his hands away from his mouth long enough to try and explain, "I didn't- I meant- you have a big.. _Guinness_!"

"Guinness?" Saracen repeated, completely bewildered. "Like.. the beer?"

"I meant rifle!" Dexter shrieked, pointing at the gun resting against the wall, his voice growing in pitch with every hysterical outburst.

"That doesn't even _rhyme_!" Saracen yelled back, "What the hell is going on, Dexter?!"

Dexter grew even more flustered. This damn flirting thing was harder than he thought it would be. He pulled out the last thing he could remember Ravel telling him.

_Touch suggestively._

Unfortunately, there wasn't much left to be suggested as Dexter boldly placed his hand right on top of Saracen's crotch.

They both stared at the offending hand in shock, before turning equally surprised expressions towards each other.

Realising he still had his hand on Saracen's intimate area, Dexter lurched back on the couch, arms flailing. "I- I _slipped_!"

Finally, something clicked in Saracen's head. "Are you... flirting with me?" He asked cautiously.

Dexter seemed to deflate, slumping in relief. "_Yes_! Ugh, finally! I thought you'd never-"

"Dexter," Saracen interrupted, frowning. "Why?"

A confused pause, and the blond man blinked. He would have thought that was obvious. "What do you mean why?"

Saracen frowned, although there was a strange glint in his blue eyes. "I mean _why_ the sudden interest?"

"There's nothing _sudden_ about it." Dexter muttered, "You've just been too oblivious to notice until now."

"I- but.. I would have _known_ if you were flirting!"

"For a guy who knows things, you're completely clueless." Dexter scowled, shaking his head. "I thought I was being obvious! That's why I took Erskine's advice-"

"_Erskine_ told you to do _that_?!" Saracen yelled, flailing his hands. "Have you all gone mad?!"

"No! He told me to smile and compliment and touch suggestively! I tried all of them!"

"Do me a favour, Dexter."

"What?"

"_Never_ try to flirt again." Saracen couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled out of his mouth.

A scowl crossed Dexter's features. "I'm good at flirting, you were just being stup-" he was cut off sharply as Saracen grabbed the front of his shirt and tugged him into a kiss.

Stunned, it didn't even occur Dexter to kiss back until Saracen pulled away and raised an eyebrow. "Um.. Is this okay..?" He asked, uncharacteristically uncertain.

"Yes!" Finally finding his words, Dexter managed to gasp and tug the smaller man back into him, covering his mouth with his own lips.

Saracen grunted a little chuckle as he was pushed back against the couch. "Oooh." He laughed again as Dexter crawled on top of him, nipping lightly at his neck and jawline. Grabbing the other's face, he pulled him into a deep, long kiss. He tangled his hands in Dexter's face, and his eyes widened suddenly. He pulled back from the kiss, staring at his friend in surprise. "Whoa. Your hair is super soft.

Breathing hard, Dexter frowned again. "What? Is now the time?"

"It's like... silky gold." Transfixed, Saracen gazed at the blond strands entwined in his fingers. "It's beautiful."

"... You're making me feel awkward, Saracen."

"Sorry..." Reluctantly releasing his grip on the blond hair, Saracen delicately kissed Dexter's nose. "Where were we?"

"Kissing."

"Oh, yeah!" Eagerly diving back into the kiss, Saracen slipped his hands under Dexter's white shirt. "Take.. take this off." He managed to say in between kisses. Following his orders, Dexter managed to slip out of his shirt, reluctantly breaking lip contact. He threw the flimsy material to the side, and moved to kiss Saracen again, only for the smaller man to scoot back on the couch, eyes wide. "Whoa!"

"What?"

"You!" Eyes still wide, Saracen poked at the well-muscled torso before him. "Dude, you're ripped!"

"I-"

"Holy _crap_, seriously!"

"This is ruining the mood a little."

"Your abs could probably kill someone."

"Saracen!"

"Sorry."

Dexter sat back on his friend's thighs and shook his head at him. "You're impossible."

"Hey..." Saracen frowned slightly as he ran his fingers over the well-defined muscles on Dexter's torso. "Hey, Dexter?"

"Yeah?"

"Are we boyfriends now?"

Silence fell over the both of them as Dexter thought. "Do you want to be?"

"I wouldn't mind it." Grinning, Saracen sat up and kissed him again.

They broke apart a split second later, when someone cleared their throat in the doorway. Their friends were staring at them. Ghastly had his eyebrows raised, and Skulduggery looked as though he were barely suppressing his laughter.

Erskine was grinning madly at them. "Nice job, Dexter."

"Saracen finally got a clue, huh?" Ghastly chimed in. "How long did it take, two hundred years?"

"Yeah, all I had to do was grab his crotch."

Silence.

"What?"

"... Can we pretend I didn't say that, please?"

"Only if you put your shirt back on."

"No!" Saracen whined, pawing at Dexter's muscly chest. "Look at that body! Why would you cover it up?"

"Because it's on my couch, and it's making me uncomfortable." Skulduggery said blankly, adjusting his hat suavely. "Do I need a better reason?"

Grumbling, the shorter man let Dexter go. "I'm taking it off again later. Along with the rest of his clothes."

Mostly everyone choked. Saracen didn't even care.

He was ultimately shameless.


End file.
